~*Mindsy*~

it seems like all we do now is fight.
which really pisses me off more, because i dont want to.
i want us to be friends like we were before.
i want us to be able to co-exist.
i've moved on.
he's moved on.
i will love him for the rest of my life, he was my first real love, nothing will change that.
but im not delusional.
i just still want him in my life, because he was such a big part of it.

i dont understand why he has to be a dick all of the time. he might htink he's being funny.. but it really upsets me. now im at the point where i really just dont even want to talk to him. and i think thats what hurts the most. i cant take his sarcasm and bullshit anymore. i cant take his phone calls at early hours.. because i miss talking to him, and then the next day he's a jerk again.

anyways. i went in for more bloodwork today, which was awesome fun. i made theresa come with me, that way i could break somebody elses hand other than my own.
the nurse is like "you're honestly this scared of a needle, yet you have a tattoo right on your arm"

theresa just laughs.. " okay, then i wont tell you about the other six she has!!"

ITS NOT THE FREAKEN SAME! I chose to get the tattoos! not to mention it feels TOOOOOOOOOOTALLY different!

then we went for some dinner, sat around waiting for her mom to get off work, took her home, went for coffee, had showers, then went to the duck for a drink.

we've been camera whoring our asses off the whole night.
i dont know why, nothing special happened, just felt right.

RELAX THERESA, JUST LET IT HAPPEN... ACCEPT IT.
and she wakes up the next morning, and her ass hurts.

anyways, im awaiting the pictures from theresa, then goin to bed. i'd normally stay up and wait for him to come back online.. cuz thats the only time we get to talk while he's out of town. but i find myself looking forward to it, so im cutting myself off.

danielle says to me "what the hell is with that? guys always want you when they have girlfriends.. what the fuck?"

my simple answer:

"im a homewrecker."

buuuuuuuut i wont be this time. he's too perfect and beautiful and smart and.. *drools*.. built and wow...

i've promised myself i wont date, so im not going to. im not going to put any ideas into his head, or mine. 

It never gets easier. Even after more time goes on.. Once somebody touches your life, theres that part of you who will never be the same again.
Tommys Dad, Don Robitaille, passed away Thursday morning.
I didnt find out until today..when Theresa told me.
I guess Brad Miller has been trying to call her for days, and didnt get ahold of her until this morning to tell her. She called me right away, but I've had my phone on vibrate.
I mean a part of me is so happy that he's back with Tom again. He's suffered for so long, battling cancer.. So he's finally at peace. But the only thing I can really think about, is the other boys.
They have nobody. I cant imagine the greif they're experiencing, losing your brother and your father in the course of 6 months.
And Dan.. he's looking more and more like Tom everytime I see him. I remember at the Trinity last summer, we were there for a Memorial for Tom even.. But when I saw him walking up. Wearing that leather coat.. laughing just like him.. talking just like him.. smiling just like him. I honestly believed at first glance, that it WAS Tom.
And Rose.. poor Rose. I can't imagine what she's going through either. I know how close she was with Tom, and what losing him did to her. But she was so close with his family as well.
Then again.. how could you not be close with the Robitailles.. They are all so amazing.
Its awful.. that on Thursday night when Theresa and I got home from the bar, we sat there and talked for a good two hours about Tommy, and listened to some Floyd. Then we promised eachother we'd go see Toms Dad this week. We didnt even know that he had already passed that morning. Theresa thinks there's some cosmic force that brought us together that night. I think we just drink too much.
Although I lost Barry this year, and I did very much love Barry.. I think Toms death hit me harder. To remember, very vividly, the very last words you said to somebody, just an hour or two before they passed. Can really be hard. And Im sure its hard for everybody else that was there that night.
But its what I said. What I confessed, what I told him.
And what he said back.

Last year was so hard on everybody.. losing Sarah and Amanda. Then Ash.. Then Tommy. And there were so many more, and although I wasnt close with them, I saw what it did to my friends. I thought 2007 was going to be different. And yes, Im not stupid, I know that people die, thats what happens. But you'd think they'd take a break somewhere, right? I mean havent they had enough for right now?

My thoughts and prayers and with the friends and family of Don
RIP


Miss me, But let me go
When I come to the end of the road
and the sun has set for me
I want no rites in a gloom filled room
Why cry for a soul set free.
Miss me a little, but not too long
And not with your head bowed low
Remember the love that we once shared,
Miss me, But let me go.
For this is a journey that we all must take
And each must go alone
Its all a part of the master plan
A step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick at heart
Go to the friends we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds
Miss me - But let me go.

I'll miss you Daddy Robitaille... Give Tommy a kiss for me.

so im sitting here, and im watching dawsons creek.. season six..

shut up.

and im thinking to myself. my god, i want an Eddie.
hes perfect!!
and then he leaves her.
just up.. and leaves her.

thats what eddies do best, right?
leave?

i, more or less, had one. i had the most amazing time with this guy, and then i had a lot of crappy times too.
and now, whether it was something i did, or not.. he's gone. and i still wouldnt give any of that up for a damn thing.
which makes me even more sad.. because it takes losing something special.. and then watching somebody else enjoy that something special.. to drive you out of your mind.

i can go on and on about how things are unfair.. oh wow can i.
but really.. and as "after school" special as it sounds. i can only really learn from it. i took him for granted. and i know that. and yes. i really believe he took me for granted too.
everybody called him my Mr Big. And in a lot of ways that rang true. (although i highly doubt that me dating an older russian guy and moving to paris would strike a chord in him to come find me lol)
but everything aside.. i have probably just avoided a "Mr.Big" episode #2.
and who can i thank for that?
iiiiiiiiirony!!

so here's the question.
eddie.. is not really gone. ofcourse. he comes back, for split second. but he still comes back.
and.. he tells her he loves her.
okay.. so, if it were to come down to it, would I be able to walk away. Like she does.
I'd like to think I could.

But... I also say i could quit smoking anytime i want.
Talk about an addiction.

so.. 2007.
please God let this year be better than the last.

ofcourse, after all the ups, and inevitable downs of last year.. then END of the year did not disappoint.

not only was he here for christmas, and i only got to see him once. but he came back for new years.
i found out from his msn name.
AWESOME.
so, in hand comes my new years resolution.
no dating. at all. for the entire year.
sounds silly.. i know. but this is getting ri-god-damn-diculous.

i actually FELL for those lines again.
"you shouldnt be with somebody like that.. you should be with somebody like me :)"
i wasnt sure, so i checked the history.
yepp, i knew it sounded familiar.
guess who said the exact same thing to me?
bingo.

that wasnt the only one that was similar. there are actually too many to name.
and, once again, i wasnt even attracted to him. go figure, i liked his personality.
see, and THATS why i always went for looks. because atleast when he turns out to be an tool. its not a suprise.

"and if i never hear from him again, I will always think of him fondly... As an asshole."

so anyways.. im starting all the treatment and that crap on the 22nd. they had to wait, because i had to be on the pill for atleast a month before hand. no matter how much i tried to assure them that im not even having sex, let alone would i have a chance of getting pregnant. they still have to cover their asses.
im kinda nervous about it, cuz i've heard all kinds of horror stories and well i know that it wont be a walk in the park.. but if it helps me get better then so be it. im just worried about how long it'll take.. it could take up to six months of treatment before everythings gone. which means it'll run into june. danielle's wedding is on the 15th.
but anyhow.. i went with danielle, aimee and amy to look at the bridesmaid dresses. we finally picked one.
and might i say, it looks amazing on me.
well not the colour of the sample dress they had.. it was a weird bronze kinda colour.. but g damn. the red we're getting. its amazing.
AND, i get an extra almost week off of work. they dont need us back til then.
colour me WOOT!

so me and Linds are tryin to figure out a plan to get away for the weekend. she has a meeting on saturday up in t.o. but we're gunna see if maybe we can swing it if we go visit leslie for the weekend. that way its not too far for her meeting.

not to mention courtney's sick and is infecting our house!

STOOL!

hahaha ew.

Sara Beth is scared to death
To hear what the doctor will say
She hasn't been well, since the day that she fell
And the bruise just won't go away

So she sits and she waits with her mother and dad
And flips through an old magazine
Till the nurse with the smile stands in the door
And says will you please come with me

Sara Beth is scared to death
Cause the doctor just told her the news
Between the red cells and white, something's not right
But we're gonna take care of you

Six chances in ten, it won't come back again
With the therapy we're gonna try
It's just been approved, it's the strongest there is
And I think that we caught it in time
And Sara Beth closes her eyes.

And she dreams she's dancing
Around and around without any cares
And her very first love is holding her close
And a soft wind is blowing her hair

Sara Beth is scared to death
As she sits holding her mom
Cause it would be a mistake for someone to take
A girl with no hair to the prom

For just this morning, right here on her pillow
Was the cruelest of any surprise
And she cried when she gathered it all in her hands
The proof that she couldn't deny
And Sara Beth closes her eyes

And she dreams she's dancing
Around and around without any cares
And her very first love is holding her close
And a soft wind is blowing her hair

It's quarter to seven, that boy's at the door
And her daddy ushers him in
And when he takes off his cap
They all start to cry
Cause this morning where his hair had all been
Softly she touches just skin

And they go dancing, around and around
Without any cares
And her very first true love is holding her close
And for a moment she isn't scared.

its so frustrating.. like when everything was fine, we were too. but what? as soon as we cant be 'together'.. then he stops caring, period?
people and their double standards.
this and this and this has happened to me.. oh poor me.. tra la la..
you know what? even though i stood up for your scrawny ass a THOUSAND times.. this time. it was a little bit your fault. sorry. but it was.
then, ofcourse.. over and over and over again.. you try to feel sorry for yourself and badger yourself into a hole.. that again, YOU DUG YOURSELF!
did i not say.. "cheer up.. things could be worse"
because sweetheart.. they can be.
i thought losing you was the end of the world. now.. sadly enough i know that its not.. that it CAN get worse.. and the only thing that could make that worse, is not having the people that you care about, there to support you.
so how about you value your days out, with your lawn qnomes.. and your fabulous friends and drunken encounters at dallas city limits... and when you think about pouting, you remember all of that.

im sorry im just fed up with people taking things for granted.

and i find it kinda funny,
i find it kinda sad...
that the dreams in which im dying
are the best i've ever had.

no matter what you do.. sometimes you just cant change whats going on around you.

its fate.
'Gods plan'
which ofcourse makes you question the existance of God anyways.

they broke up for a reason. whatever that might have been. now the clocks have turned back, and its stage one of the hopskotch game all over again.

'fucken idiot'
'he's such a dumbass'
ummm im sorry.. but arent you supposed to be supportive?
he's had a horrible day.. and you're complaining about him?
now really.. was it complaining? was it sheer frustration and anger.. or was it just complaining, for the sake to complain?
ofcourse i cant say anything about it. which kills me. it makes me sick to think that she could be talking about him like that. but ofcourse, if i say something, i'm just 'trying to ruin things'.. alterior motive. i just want him to be happy.

last night andy and bill came to town. i had to explain to bill why i didnt want to see andy. he said he thought it best that we talked. so i talked. i told him i couldnt respect him. and that i couldnt be friends with somebody i didnt respect. that his behaviour was predictable, and although i saw it coming, i ignored my instincts. 
he says its a shame.. and that our lifestyles just werent compatible.
hmm.
i dont sleep around.
he does.
yepp.. i'd say those are COMPLETELY different 'lifestyles'.

on monday pat noticed the spot on my neck, and brought it up. didnt want anybody to notice, most of all him. he's the first person i'd want to talk to about it, and the last person i can. sometimes i dont feel like he even really listens. 

last night when we were at wendys before we went to chris'.. derrick brought up my face.
in a nice way, you ask?
ofcourse not.
put me on the spot, and made a joke about it.
insensitive.. as always.
so ofcourse i got upset, almost started to cry.. and layed into him a little bit.
'why do you say things like that? you're so unbelievably rude i question sometimes why i still talk to you. you wonder why people make little jabs at you? its because you're so self involved that you dont realize when you do it to others. think before you speak. you dont know what you're talking about.'

ofcourse i dont really know what im talking about yet either. to get in to see her, i have to have a referral from my doctor. who, is on vacation until the 27th. i dont think i can wait that long. its kept me up crying almost everynight. i dont want to go out in public, let alone see anybody i know.
on thursday i actually told theresa to stay away from me. i told her not to dare come to my house. that i wanted to be alone. i actually put myself up in my room. and didnt come out.
she's upset because i didnt tell her why.
i dont know what to tell her.
or anybody for that matter.
i think its un necessary to tell anybody any worries until i know for sure whats going on. ofcourse this is just me venting, and i may just be getting myself worked up.
but its reactions like derricks that provoke it.

Fuck I hate people.
Last week, was a horrible week. First, I lose my kitten, now shes at the humaine society. Then my ex boyfriend Barry dies... <3... Then, when Im out with Derrick for a drink, *Aiden pisses me off. like right off. and I tell him that im deleting him from my phone, my msn, my life. then wednesday when im ready to go to barrys moms, my dad falls off a ladder. score. = hospital most of the day. thursday, get to visit my best, janine in the hospital. friday.. i feel fine in the morning, but by 3 pm or so, im feelin a lil sick. saturday morning, cant breath. maybe i should go to the hospital. strep. FAN-FUCKEN-TASTIC.
I have kept, all of this bullshit, all pent up inside me, for wayyyyyyyyy too long. I need a rant, and a wee bit of a rave.

First off, lets get a show of hands as to who knows where Czechoslovakia is.
Good good. You all went to geography class for five fucking minutes.
IT DOESNT TAKE, A FUCKING GENIUS, TO KNOW WHERE THAT IS, YOU FUCKING TWAT.
ugh.
Alright, and what the fuck, is up with my one friend, who finds it so appealing to go for guys that i've had a relationship/fling with, or interest in.
Umm, do you want me to heat up my leftovers for you?
Granted, I never officially got together with any of these guys, because it wouldnt work.
(1) We were good friends, and he was still hung up on his ex gf. Done, but still remained friends. Then a year later, I bring her out partying  with all of us, and i tell her, to her god damn face, stay away from that one, the others are fair game. just stay away from him.
what do i hear at 5 am from the room next to me? but her fucking the shit out of him.
AWESOME.
then she tries to pull it off as a " he took advantage of me ".. umm you sounded pretty consenting from where I was. Unless he was asking you a question you really agreed with.
(2) I meet this guy, granted under bad circumstances... and we start hanging out quite a bit. stays over one night, didnt kiss, nothing.. because, like i told him the next day, i still had feelings for somebody else, so it wouldnt be fair to him. so we stay friends.
BAM! not even a week  later she's fooling around with him, sleeping with him etc.
GUHHHHHHHH?
(3) So #2's best friend and I, get really hammered one night. And ended up kissing. BIG BIG mistake. I even tried to tell him that. But he still tries to get me to sleep with him, did i mention it was MY birthday..? ugh. get out of my sight. so then i spend the next two weeks ignoring ever message from him, and avoiding him at the bar. WHICH, BTW, is next to freaken impossible. So this girl, and her now bf (#2) are having troubles. and she's hanging around with his best friend all the time.
i tell her, he likes you.
she says, no he doesnt.
why the FUCK dont people listen to me. im always mothafucken right.
she breaks up with boyfriend. hangs out with best friend on the weekend, sleeps with him.
by now, are you really shocked?
didnt think so.

im just sick of the entire scenerio. i held it in, because i really have no grounds to get pissed. but really, I SHOULDNT HAVE TO BE PISSED. isnt there supposed to be like, a fucking girl code or some shit?
SEE?! THIS IS WHY IM FRIENDS WITH GUYS! THEY WONT SLEEP WITH ANYBODY I AM/WAS INTERESTED IN.

well maybe derrick. but shhhhhhhh

then, is it seriously necessary to "one up" your friends on how sick you are? ITS ALMOST FUCKING WINTER.. EVERYBODYS GOING TO BE SICK!
I mean, my one friend, was litterally admitted to the hospital for a few days. It was serious. And then, ironically, the same friend i was referring to with (1)(2) and (3), has to beat both of us ( i ended catching what my friend had, but caught it soon enough that I wasnt admitted overnight) by saying she, had her lungs drained.
ahhhh those 5 minute lung draining procedures. i've heard of them.

ugh.. then how about calling your best friend, because you've had this shitty day, and you need to just, do ANYTHING. and they want you to bring their ex girlfriend along. like thats the grounds for you to make me feel better?

I feel like i drop things too easily for my friends. like no matter whats going on, i'll be there in a second. any story i hear, i gobble it up, because there's no way a friend could lie to me. TRUST, oh god trust.. i trust people way too easily.

i just thank god that I have my girls. the loves of my life. and all i need is them. the 3 deadly sins. lol
brown green blue ... coors bud canadian ... blonde red and brown... wait, fuck, that one doesnt work anymore. damnit. we fucked it up.
LOVE MY LADIES!

oh and p.s. my warehouse is haunted. i named him steve. 


say fuck again.
FUCK!

Alright, now im just mothafucken confused.
After all of this.. and I mean, years of crap.. This year especially.. and after all thats happened recently..

WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED?!

I'm obviously aware that he's bummed because his best friend just left.  But seriously... shutting me out is his way of dealing with it?

And if he thinks, he can call me this weekend again, and think i'll come over again. He's... well right. BUT I WONT BE HAPPY ABOUT IT, and we're definatly gunna have a talk.

Anyways, I had an amazing weekend with my girls. I almost fought some guy for grabbing my ass on the dancefloor.. Not to mention I almost knocked a Gremlin over the railing for gettin all up in my territorial bubble... hahaha

Bitch, you're sick. Everybody thinks you're sick. I feel bad for you, and your boyfriend, because everybody laughs at him behind his back for dating such a tramp. And for a cunt who has her mouth open that much, you certainly dont keep him satisfied, or he wouldnt have still came to me.

DAMN i wish i could say that to her. but im being the "bigger person". That and I value whatever friendship he and I still have...

I was talking to Justin Randall for awhile, and before i walked away i tugged on his pants pocked and told him to "lose the pants" (haha as if wearing my i love justin shirt to work the first day we worked together wasnt bad enough...) Hmmmm.. he's so pretty

I saw Peirce and said

"Hey, i heard you're moving to Calgary"
"Yea.. Next thursday!"
"Oh ya? Well... BON VOYAGE!!!"

And walked away. Dani, that ones for you babe xoxo
I called Jay 3 times at 2:30 am.. not sure what I talked to him about, but he's fine with it, even tho I feel like a tool. Well, Janine that one's SUPPOSED to be for you! xoxo hahaha

At work Danielle's turned into my Mom. I was running the other day with a trolly, and she yelled at me and told me to slow down.
I didnt listen.
And I ofcourse ran into a roll of fabric that was sticking out and went ass over teakettle.

HAHAHA fuck.. I only wish I could've seen it.

So she promised that the next time she sees me talking to "Big".. she'll tell me

"No.. NO.. Lindsay.. put it down. Dont pick up dirty things... NO LINDSAY! NO! DONT PUT IT IN YOUR MOUTH!"

bahahahahaha

OH! and please tell me you've heard this dumb bitch on a K106 commercial talking about how she didnt know you should still get paps and such, even when you've already gone through menopause. because you can still get cervical cancer.

YOU FUCKING TWAT!! 
WHAT? do you think when you have menopause your cervix just falls out?!?!

Danielle and I seriously lost our minds laughing.
Alright.. Im fucken beat.. Gotta get LOTS of sleep this week... Goin to London on friday after work with Dani, gunna pick up our costumes. Our trampy trampy costumes. Then PAR-MOTHAFUCKEN-TY on saturday!!!

<3

Just a couple of things I dont get.
Why make so much effort to be with somebody, when they're with somebody else.. only to just, let it go once they're available? FURTHERMORE, what the hell is the point of having any sort of "fling" relationship with that friend, KNOWING it'll FUCK UP that friendship?!? That shit doesn't  end with rainbows and butterflies... TRUST ME.

OR

You deal with bullshit for 5 minutes. I'VE DEALT WITH IT FOR FIVE YEARS! And you, want me, to give YOU a break? 

FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK YOUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUU!

Hmmmm or how about...
"Oh you definatly almost did that time"... for you girls who know what I'm talking about... which word stands out there? 
Almost?
ALMOST?!?!?!?!
Jesus Mother Effing Christ... You know who they say "Rome wasn't built in a day"? 

WELL IT SURE AS HELL WASNT BUILT ON "ALMOST" EITHER!!

And the fucking power trips... My God... 

"I'm awsome, I"m wonderful, This - and This - and This person like me"

GREAT! GRAND! FANTASTIC! 

NO YELLING ON THE BUS!!!

Do you think that makes you special? 

How about this... "You may be awsome, You may be wonderful, But This - and This - and This person are LAUGHING BEHIND YOUR BACK!!"

What the FUCK happened to people thinking ahead? What happened to people who have an effing heart?!

NO YOURS DOESNT COUNT, ITS BLACK, ITS HOLLOW, AND ITS MOTHA FUCKIN COLD!

ITS GETTING TO BE RI-GOD-DAMN-DICULOUS!

I had, probably one of the best, most insightful, EYEOPENING, conversations of my ENTIRE life last night. Its time, that the only person I'M concerned with making happy.. is MYSELF. NO more of this, what would this person think, or what would that person think. FUCK THAT. 
You dont like who I talk to? GET OVER IT. 
You dont like how I dress? GET OVER IT.
You dont like that I'm thinner then you are? ITS CALLED A DIET YOU COW!

LICK ME! ALL OF YOU!

Alright.. Well we survived. Ofcourse.. She got her attacks in, and once ANY one of us made ANY sort of joke towards her, she got completely snotty. Yes, snotty. My mother has the maturity level of a five year old.
My Aunt Laine always scoops the butter out with an ice cream scooper.. So ofcourse, Derrick and I took candy corn and stuck them in the two lumps as nipples. And blamed my sister for it. Who the hell would believe that Courtney did it, when Derrick AND I are sitting right there? I didn't have to talk to her much through the entire night. When we got there she was upstairs watching t.v... God forbid she misses an episode of star trek (im assuming, it could've been something equally as retarded) And we were all downstairs in the bar/pool room. Drinking for free and eating my weight in shrimp and veggies n dip. Then there was dinner, which consisted mostly of me and Derrick talking between ourselves, and laughing at everybody else. Then after me and the D went downstairs and layed down to rest our tummies. I made Courtney watch the I love Noodles video... And.. that was about it. Mostly just relaxing. Mom left early and we all stayed longer and chatted.
So today.. I have to say.. I had the hardest time waking up. Not only was it freezing outside of my covers, but I didn't get an ounce of sleep last night. So many things were racing through my head. It makes me sick.. but I didn't get any response yesterday. Im assuming they're back together. If they are, I will litterally steal my parents truck, and run his ass down. He has GOT to be smarter then that. 
Wow this is taking forever to write... Im watching NSync in the mix... HAHAHAHAHAHA i love it
Anyways.. Im starting to get really frustrated with this whole situation.
Yes I said starting.
Shut your mouth.
I just dont get it. And as much as I try to climb into his head.. the more he pushes away. Which he never used to do.. He always talked to me about everything. I guess that was also at the beginning when he played the whole sweet act, makin me think he's all too good to be true and whatnot. Prick. 
"the shock of you kissing me might have stunned me for a second or two"
"why were you so shocked?"
"um.. well you kissing me was pretty high on the list of things i DIDN'T expect to happen last night"
"haha but you still thought about it" 
"dreamed more like !"
or my favorite...
"besides we're not really dating yet..its only pretend "
"lol yet?"
"oops...typo 
  or wishfull thinking"

grrr... and I sucked it all in and believed every word. 
was it all an ellaborate act, or was there sincerity? And again I wish my mind reading machine was working...