i've had enough.. made up my mind.. im gunna get up, and out..

it seems like all we do now is fight.
which really pisses me off more, because i dont want to.
i want us to be friends like we were before.
i want us to be able to co-exist.
i've moved on.
he's moved on.
i will love him for the rest of my life, he was my first real love, nothing will change that.
but im not delusional.
i just still want him in my life, because he was such a big part of it.

i dont understand why he has to be a dick all of the time. he might htink he's being funny.. but it really upsets me. now im at the point where i really just dont even want to talk to him. and i think thats what hurts the most. i cant take his sarcasm and bullshit anymore. i cant take his phone calls at early hours.. because i miss talking to him, and then the next day he's a jerk again.

anyways. i went in for more bloodwork today, which was awesome fun. i made theresa come with me, that way i could break somebody elses hand other than my own.
the nurse is like "you're honestly this scared of a needle, yet you have a tattoo right on your arm"

theresa just laughs.. " okay, then i wont tell you about the other six she has!!"

ITS NOT THE FREAKEN SAME! I chose to get the tattoos! not to mention it feels TOOOOOOOOOOTALLY different!

then we went for some dinner, sat around waiting for her mom to get off work, took her home, went for coffee, had showers, then went to the duck for a drink.

we've been camera whoring our asses off the whole night.
i dont know why, nothing special happened, just felt right.

and she wakes up the next morning, and her ass hurts.

anyways, im awaiting the pictures from theresa, then goin to bed. i'd normally stay up and wait for him to come back online.. cuz thats the only time we get to talk while he's out of town. but i find myself looking forward to it, so im cutting myself off.

danielle says to me "what the hell is with that? guys always want you when they have girlfriends.. what the fuck?"

my simple answer:

"im a homewrecker."

buuuuuuuut i wont be this time. he's too perfect and beautiful and smart and.. *drools*.. built and wow...

i've promised myself i wont date, so im not going to. im not going to put any ideas into his head, or mine. 

What have you found? The same old fears. Wish you were here.

It never gets easier. Even after more time goes on.. Once somebody touches your life, theres that part of you who will never be the same again.
Tommys Dad, Don Robitaille, passed away Thursday morning.
I didnt find out until today..when Theresa told me.
I guess Brad Miller has been trying to call her for days, and didnt get ahold of her until this morning to tell her. She called me right away, but I've had my phone on vibrate.
I mean a part of me is so happy that he's back with Tom again. He's suffered for so long, battling cancer.. So he's finally at peace. But the only thing I can really think about, is the other boys.
They have nobody. I cant imagine the greif they're experiencing, losing your brother and your father in the course of 6 months.
And Dan.. he's looking more and more like Tom everytime I see him. I remember at the Trinity last summer, we were there for a Memorial for Tom even.. But when I saw him walking up. Wearing that leather coat.. laughing just like him.. talking just like him.. smiling just like him. I honestly believed at first glance, that it WAS Tom.
And Rose.. poor Rose. I can't imagine what she's going through either. I know how close she was with Tom, and what losing him did to her. But she was so close with his family as well.
Then again.. how could you not be close with the Robitailles.. They are all so amazing.
Its awful.. that on Thursday night when Theresa and I got home from the bar, we sat there and talked for a good two hours about Tommy, and listened to some Floyd. Then we promised eachother we'd go see Toms Dad this week. We didnt even know that he had already passed that morning. Theresa thinks there's some cosmic force that brought us together that night. I think we just drink too much.
Although I lost Barry this year, and I did very much love Barry.. I think Toms death hit me harder. To remember, very vividly, the very last words you said to somebody, just an hour or two before they passed. Can really be hard. And Im sure its hard for everybody else that was there that night.
But its what I said. What I confessed, what I told him.
And what he said back.

Last year was so hard on everybody.. losing Sarah and Amanda. Then Ash.. Then Tommy. And there were so many more, and although I wasnt close with them, I saw what it did to my friends. I thought 2007 was going to be different. And yes, Im not stupid, I know that people die, thats what happens. But you'd think they'd take a break somewhere, right? I mean havent they had enough for right now?

My thoughts and prayers and with the friends and family of Don

Miss me, But let me go
When I come to the end of the road
and the sun has set for me
I want no rites in a gloom filled room
Why cry for a soul set free.
Miss me a little, but not too long
And not with your head bowed low
Remember the love that we once shared,
Miss me, But let me go.
For this is a journey that we all must take
And each must go alone
Its all a part of the master plan
A step on the road to home.
When you are lonely and sick at heart
Go to the friends we know
And bury your sorrows in doing good deeds
Miss me - But let me go.

I'll miss you Daddy Robitaille... Give Tommy a kiss for me.

  • Current Music
    Wish you were here - Pink Floyd

oh just take me out back and shoot me...

my boobs hurt. bad.
like, so bad. that i cant wear a bra. which, no, normally i dont like to wear one anyways. but i mean i CANT.
they're huge. i've lost weight over the past month or so. please explain to me why suddenly my boobs are bigger?
ohhhhhh and that brings me to the tightening pain in my chest. that sometimes, makes me feel like i cant breathe. so ofcourse that makes me panic.
or how about a few days ago, when i had the shooting pain in my side. cuz that sure was fun.
i can barely sleep at night. until i get to the point where either im drunk and i pass out, or im so tired, that my body just shuts off.
i cant lie down on my side without wheezing myself crazy.
and now my anxiety attacks are back. i had one today when i got up, over litterally nothing. i honestly believe i had nothing on my mind, other than going downstairs to have a smoke. and for anybody who has panic or anxiety attacks, you know it starts off small. and as soon as you realize whats happening, your mind starts to race even faster. and in sets the panic.
i am just such a mess lately.
i dont even want to go back to work. but i think, maybe, if i keep myself busier, then i wont notice?
or i could make it worse. which ofcourse, would be AWESOME.
ah ha, OH, and ofcourse, i finally went out on saturday night. i guess i figured that soon i wont be able to at all, so i went out with josh and some of the other guys.
on sunday afternoon, i get a msg from matt. " so i ditched my friends last night cuz i was trying to pick you up "
ummmmm. huh?
so, uhhh yea, awkward..
now i dont know what to say to him. at all. its not like that for me. in the slightest bit. not only do we have to factor in my distinct hatred for the opposite sex right now, but you also have to consider everything else i have to deal with, and the fact that he's my FRIEND. thats it. plain, simple. JUST my FRIEND.
but how do you explain that without being rude?
or mean?
normally i wouldnt shy away from shooting a guy down. but i have to be around this guy, quite often actually. the majority of our friends are mutual.
alright.. i think its about time for me to finally pass out.

Dum Da Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb Dumb

so im sitting here, and im watching dawsons creek.. season six..

shut up.

and im thinking to myself. my god, i want an Eddie.
hes perfect!!
and then he leaves her.
just up.. and leaves her.

thats what eddies do best, right?

i, more or less, had one. i had the most amazing time with this guy, and then i had a lot of crappy times too.
and now, whether it was something i did, or not.. he's gone. and i still wouldnt give any of that up for a damn thing.
which makes me even more sad.. because it takes losing something special.. and then watching somebody else enjoy that something special.. to drive you out of your mind.

i can go on and on about how things are unfair.. oh wow can i.
but really.. and as "after school" special as it sounds. i can only really learn from it. i took him for granted. and i know that. and yes. i really believe he took me for granted too.
everybody called him my Mr Big. And in a lot of ways that rang true. (although i highly doubt that me dating an older russian guy and moving to paris would strike a chord in him to come find me lol)
but everything aside.. i have probably just avoided a "Mr.Big" episode #2.
and who can i thank for that?

so here's the question.
eddie.. is not really gone. ofcourse. he comes back, for split second. but he still comes back.
and.. he tells her he loves her.
okay.. so, if it were to come down to it, would I be able to walk away. Like she does.
I'd like to think I could.

But... I also say i could quit smoking anytime i want.
Talk about an addiction.

Life aint nothin but bitches and money...

so.. 2007.
please God let this year be better than the last.

ofcourse, after all the ups, and inevitable downs of last year.. then END of the year did not disappoint.

not only was he here for christmas, and i only got to see him once. but he came back for new years.
i found out from his msn name.
so, in hand comes my new years resolution.
no dating. at all. for the entire year.
sounds silly.. i know. but this is getting ri-god-damn-diculous.

i actually FELL for those lines again.
"you shouldnt be with somebody like that.. you should be with somebody like me :)"
i wasnt sure, so i checked the history.
yepp, i knew it sounded familiar.
guess who said the exact same thing to me?

that wasnt the only one that was similar. there are actually too many to name.
and, once again, i wasnt even attracted to him. go figure, i liked his personality.
see, and THATS why i always went for looks. because atleast when he turns out to be an tool. its not a suprise.

"and if i never hear from him again, I will always think of him fondly... As an asshole."

so anyways.. im starting all the treatment and that crap on the 22nd. they had to wait, because i had to be on the pill for atleast a month before hand. no matter how much i tried to assure them that im not even having sex, let alone would i have a chance of getting pregnant. they still have to cover their asses.
im kinda nervous about it, cuz i've heard all kinds of horror stories and well i know that it wont be a walk in the park.. but if it helps me get better then so be it. im just worried about how long it'll take.. it could take up to six months of treatment before everythings gone. which means it'll run into june. danielle's wedding is on the 15th.
but anyhow.. i went with danielle, aimee and amy to look at the bridesmaid dresses. we finally picked one.
and might i say, it looks amazing on me.
well not the colour of the sample dress they had.. it was a weird bronze kinda colour.. but g damn. the red we're getting. its amazing.
AND, i get an extra almost week off of work. they dont need us back til then.
colour me WOOT!

so me and Linds are tryin to figure out a plan to get away for the weekend. she has a meeting on saturday up in t.o. but we're gunna see if maybe we can swing it if we go visit leslie for the weekend. that way its not too far for her meeting.

not to mention courtney's sick and is infecting our house!


hahaha ew.


Sara Beth is scared to death
To hear what the doctor will say
She hasn't been well, since the day that she fell
And the bruise just won't go away

So she sits and she waits with her mother and dad
And flips through an old magazine
Till the nurse with the smile stands in the door
And says will you please come with me

Sara Beth is scared to death
Cause the doctor just told her the news
Between the red cells and white, something's not right
But we're gonna take care of you

Six chances in ten, it won't come back again
With the therapy we're gonna try
It's just been approved, it's the strongest there is
And I think that we caught it in time
And Sara Beth closes her eyes.

And she dreams she's dancing
Around and around without any cares
And her very first love is holding her close
And a soft wind is blowing her hair

Sara Beth is scared to death
As she sits holding her mom
Cause it would be a mistake for someone to take
A girl with no hair to the prom

For just this morning, right here on her pillow
Was the cruelest of any surprise
And she cried when she gathered it all in her hands
The proof that she couldn't deny
And Sara Beth closes her eyes

And she dreams she's dancing
Around and around without any cares
And her very first love is holding her close
And a soft wind is blowing her hair

It's quarter to seven, that boy's at the door
And her daddy ushers him in
And when he takes off his cap
They all start to cry
Cause this morning where his hair had all been
Softly she touches just skin

And they go dancing, around and around
Without any cares
And her very first true love is holding her close
And for a moment she isn't scared.

  • Current Mood
    sad sad

go fuck yourself..

its so frustrating.. like when everything was fine, we were too. but what? as soon as we cant be 'together'.. then he stops caring, period?
people and their double standards.
this and this and this has happened to me.. oh poor me.. tra la la..
you know what? even though i stood up for your scrawny ass a THOUSAND times.. this time. it was a little bit your fault. sorry. but it was.
then, ofcourse.. over and over and over again.. you try to feel sorry for yourself and badger yourself into a hole.. that again, YOU DUG YOURSELF!
did i not say.. "cheer up.. things could be worse"
because sweetheart.. they can be.
i thought losing you was the end of the world. now.. sadly enough i know that its not.. that it CAN get worse.. and the only thing that could make that worse, is not having the people that you care about, there to support you.
so how about you value your days out, with your lawn qnomes.. and your fabulous friends and drunken encounters at dallas city limits... and when you think about pouting, you remember all of that.

im sorry im just fed up with people taking things for granted.


so.. i've been THINKING.
i have, probably some of the best friends in the world.
the kind of friends that are there for me, no matter what time of day it is, what day it is, or what i need them for. there they are. its actually kinda special :)
like when im sick.. and back and forth from the hospital. there they are. because we do it for eachother.
when barry passed away.. they were all there for me. even though most of them didnt even get along. they were there.
on my birthday.. they were all there. if they couldnt make it to my house.. they met me at the bar. i mean.. i went out with all of them on their birthdays.. if not just that, even TOOK them out on their birthdays.
they're the kind of friends that dont give, only to take. its not like a, well i did this for you.. what will you do for me now? i really appreciate that. makes it more enjoyable to do nice things for eachother.
and they dont get mad when we dont talk for a few days.. because we all know we're each very busy.
janine will even write me little text messages throughout the day saying cute lil things like " i miss you! " or " kisses! ".. just to show shes thinkin of me.. and it makes me smile :)
and danibabe.. she cant make it out as much as she'd like, because she works so much. but she still tells us she hopes we have a good time, and asks us all about it later. although she mostly catches a good part of it from behind the bar when we're all hammered ;)
for halloween, when danielle, janine, danibabe and I went to london, picked up aimee, and went halloween costume shopping.. it was great. nobody fought, and the girls, although they didnt know eachother, got along GREAT!! we even all hooked up at the bar after the pre party a few of us went to. which.. btw.. i appologize to everybody who couldnt come! you know it wasnt my party, and its not like i can invite people to a party where i dont even know the host yet! but i was happy to see that everybody made it out the the bar.. especially janine! showing up BY HERSELF!!!
i just felt like i needed to show my appreciation.. none of you guys are disposable! and i adore you!! plus you know im gettin LEGS O STEEL with all the walkin i've been doin! and you know when im better, we'll all still rendevous here at my place, then i'll pay for the cab to the bar!! no drivin for nobody!!!

And you can hurt me using the sharp end.. of what you say

is this supposed to be some sort of lesson?
that i've been too judgemental in the past maybe? that maybe i've let my sights linger too long on something i dont understand?
am i too much into appearances?
i mean.. i dont think i am? im the kind of girl that will go to the mall in her pajamas... without a stitch of makeup.
i just dont get why this is happening to me.
i've tried everything.. and i AM trying everything.
i still havent heard from Dr Jose.. and if what Dr Canning is trying, doesnt start working, or doing SOMETHING, in the next few days. I'm walking my ass straight into her office and demanding to see her.  security can carry my ass out onto the street.
I just cant do this anymore. it was one thing when i was embarassed.. but now im just in pain all the time.
and that makes me even more miserable... im just so sad.. i just want to hide.
and what do i do when im sad? eat. "take this medication on an empty stomach (1 hour before or 2 hours after a meal.)"
you'd might as well ask me to kill myself.
so i sit here.. in my room. trying to tell everyone that i just dont feel "up to" going out.. or hanging out... starving my ass off. with nausea and every other side effect they say i could have.. and i feel bad for myself.
"what happened to the happy bubbly party girl lindsay that i love?" jarrod asks me..
"come out tonight.. i promise nobody will say anything" josh tells me....
nobody has to say anything. i see them looking..
and i really never understood how many words a single look can say.
  • Current Mood
    depressed depressed